Be Who You Are

This post is about remembering who you are as an individual after you become a mother.

Being a mom takes up a lot of time during the day (that's an understatement).

I could never have guessed how my life would change after my daughter was born. Eric and I talked about how things wouldn't change like we had some idea. Phf. Yeah, right! 

Here's the thing...prior to becoming pregnant, I was a busy gal - a bartender, waitress and performing songwriter. I thought I'd be able to put Ella down for a nap and practice my songs. Ha, no...I was sleeping when she was sleeping (like every new mom should). 

Truth is, playing guitar was the last thing on my mind during those first few months of her life. There were more important things to tend to.

A little history...

I love singing.

I've been singing since I was five. The Little Mermaid song was a crowd favorite. I sang to anyone who would listen. On the school bus, walking down the sidewalk, in my grandmother's kitchen while she held her tape recorder (we still have that tape).

I continued singing and at 15, found my mom's old Alvarez in the closet. Thought it might be fun to fool around with it for a little while and before long, I had the theme song to The Godfather down.

My mom encouraged my interest and bought me a few Jewel songs with pictures of the chords inside. And that's how I learned how to play the guitar - each day one summer just a few chords at time.

It wasn't long before I started writing my own songs. They weren't any good but I wouldn't have known it back then. My family was very supportive and continue to be to this day.

I used to play out every week.


With five independent records and close to 200 songs over my near ten year tenure as a singer/songwriter, it's been challenging to put on the back burner. 

Well, that's only half true...I've been completely enthralled by Ella and just fine being a stay at home. There's other part of me - the part that likes a shot of Makers Mark, the adrenaline rush of being on stage and sitting in the warm spotlight...yeah there's no denying a part of me that misses that. 

Since Ella was born, almost one year ago, I have played three shows and have only written two songs. Yikes.  I'm not crazy about not being a very prolific musician, but eh, what do you do? Quality over quantity.

What is most important to me is that I keep playing, no matter how seldom. I don't want my passion for singing, writing and performing to fade away. I want to teach Ella that while being a mom is my #1 joy of a life time, I am more than just a mommy.

She's showing signs of having good rhythm...who knows? Maybe she'll join me on stage one day.

p.s. interested in a listen? Kaitlin Rose Music

Four Generations

Kaitlin Rose, Irma, Ella Rose, Patricia
My grandmother and mother were present during my labor and for the birth of my daughter almost one year ago. A series of beautiful photographs of us were taken by my dear friend, Melissa Dillon in front of my grandma's home in September, 2009

  

 

Four Generations Unite: My mother and grandmother are coming to Portland for the first anniversary of Ella's birth, 2.4.10

Photography by Melissa Dillon

Get Together Mamas & Babies!

Every Thursday and Friday morning at 10:00, Ella and I stroll into the local library 11 blocks down the road to join other mothers and their children (newborn-2).

"Teacher Susan," our fun and energetic librarian, gathers the children's attention with bubbles - their eyes suddenly diverted upward as their arms extend, reaching for the floating iridescent balls.

"Hello bubbles, hello bubbles, come and land, come and land. Right in the middle, right in the middle, of my hand, of my hand," we sing together.

Susan does a great job of keeping all of our attention, swiftly moving from one song to another and alternating between activities that require thinking, to being silly, noticing colors, and bouncing our children on our laps. 

Then there are the more physical games, like ring-around-the-rosie and the hokey pokey. The kids just have a ball, and so do the moms and dads who are playing with them (and we all get a work-out at the same time, huffing and puffing as we hold our near-toddlers on our hips).

During the last ten minutes Susan brings out the toy box.

There is a mad rush to the favorites, and a "No! Mine!" every time. Ella has gotten pushed out of the way, toys taken from her, as well as shared with her. Toy time is one of my favorites because I like to see the interaction between the other children and Ella, especially because she doesn't have any siblings (yet).

"Twinkle, twinkle, little star, stop and clean up where you are..." marks the time to put the toys away. So far, Ella has obliged without much fuss. I usually give her something of ours for distraction. But just as soon as a chorus of whining erupts, out come more bubbles! 

"Goodbye bubbles, goodbye bubbles, time to go, time to go. I will help you with a blow..."

I enjoy these mornings so much and have realized how important it is for moms and their babies to get together. It's awesome to be in a room full of mothers of all ages, ethnicities and lifestyles who have one major thing in common: we love our babies so much. 

Laugh at the Mess!

Today after going to a play date with a friend, we came back to my house to have lunch. Eric joined us and asked how our day was, we made small talk and after a little while I said, "man, I am tiiiiired, I think I'm going to take a nap with Ella this afternoon,"

Eric responded, saying, "Oh yeah? Rough day for you Mommies?" in a joking way. We laughed. "Yeah, real rough," and as I said those words, it dawned on me...

FINALLY, after nearly one full year of being a stay at home mom, I realized, holy shit...my day was no where near "hard."

Seriously, why have I been kidding myself? Here was my day(and this is rather typical):

I got up at 8, ate breakfast, fed Ella and changed her, went on a play date with friends, ate a delicious home cooked meal (not to boast) and watched Ella play with her new friend Ryan.

Yeah, real hard. Cry-me-a-river.

It finally dawned on me how, not it is really "easy" but to be a stay at home mom, raising a human being, it definitely has it's challenges. But it's far from a "hard" life.

In fact, it's fun!

We play. We sing songs. Sometimes she gets fussy and poops on the floor without a diaper on (and plays in it while I scramble to get a wash cloth and detergent). No shortage of surprises.

But it, all if it, so much better than going to work all day long at a job I don't like. Those waitressing jobs meant nothing to me. Nothing compared to this!!

My god, I thought...WTF do I really have to complain about? Being tired? Well, then I can take a nap! Being a stay at home mom, I have that luxury!

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying there aren't challenges.There are still going to be several times during the day that I'll get stressed.

But I when I think of those challenges, I think of the challenges I DON'T have to face, like having Ella and getting up at 6:30 every morning to feed, dress and get her ready for daycare before I head to work for 8 hours.

No thank you.

If I had once piece of advice for a stay at home mom with only one child...it would be...

Get over yourself! You really don't have it that hard. Okay, I mean, it's tough...but seriously!

Don't misunderstand...sometimes life is hard. 

Just in general. I get that. Money stresses the heck out of me. I'm sure you've got your own set of stresses like a hill or a mountain that can be hard to see over.

But new challenges are always bound to arise. New stresses as well as new joys. Take it in, breathe easy, and remember, it's okay to be tired. Take in every single moment with your little blessing before he or she grows up and moves around too fast to be caught long enough to cuddle.

Laugh at the mess rather than scurrying about picking it up (for a little while, at least).                      

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My Birth Was Better Than Yours

How would you feel if a woman - friend, mother, sister, cousin or stranger, said to you, "my birth was better than your birth"?

You'd feel defensive and angry, mostly taken aback. How dare anyone compare such a sacred, intimate and personal experience of one's life?

Unfortunately, women do it to each other all the time.

Here are three very common experiences women have during childbirth:

1. Trusted my doctor to advice me, had all the bells and whistles - epidural, iv, catheter, an episiotomy and a beautiful, healthy 8 lb. baby in my arms. We went home the next day. Picture perfect.

2. Was pro-information/education, took birth into my own hands. No interference of any kind - all natural. Beautiful. Midwife caught the baby and my doula was present. Awesome (home birth included in this group).

3. Wanted to go natural, but contractions were much harder than I anticipated. Ended up accepting the epidural after the nurses talked it up so much. Couldn't feel while pushing, needed help getting baby out. Disappointed in myself and with the overall experience (cesarean sections included in this group).

For whatever reason, each of these women judge and criticize one another.

Women who have epidurals think those who "go natural" are on an ego trip. Natural childbirth advocates think women who get pain medication,  or schedule elective cesarean sections are ignorant and selfish. The last group feels disappointed in themselves and may project those onto natural birth mothers, or talk about birth in a negative light.

Women love to give each other advice about birth.


Bummer is though, these mothers who are seemingly handing out helpful advice for expectant mothers are really trying to say, "this is how you do it." And if you're planning on birthing differently, watch out for the stink eye, and depending on the personality of whom you're speaking with, prepare yourself for a response.

Here are a few to expect:


You're planning on birthing naturally ~
"Oh, honey...why would you do that? You don't have anything to prove to anybody! There's not even any proof that the epidural gets to the baby. You don't have to feel the pain - and TRUST ME, it's really, really painful!!"

You're a-okay with getting an epidural ~
"Don't you know what the drug passes through the placenta and could harm your baby? At least make it drowsy...have you seen the difference between a naturally born baby - how alert they are vs. a baby whose mom had an epi? The drowsiness can make it harder to breastfeed.Or so I'm told...I had a natural birth."


You're planning a home birth ~
"Why would you risk your babies life?" 


Pregnancy and labor is like religion or politics. 

We live together - sometimes peacefully, sometimes at war, with a wide range of different views - sometimes similar, sometimes polar opposite. There is a time and a place to state your opinion.

I'm a natural birth advocate. Had a drug-free birth at home because I thought it was the best choice for my baby and I.

That said, I have friends who have accepted an epidural gratefully or needed some Pitocin to get things moving after fearing infection due to her water being broken for 24+ hrs. I have friends who had horrible hospital experiences that lead them to seek alternative birth options the next time around. Friends who scheduled c-sections without the bat of an eyelash. People I am very close to were fed formula as babies (gasp!).

And guess what?

They (and their kids) turned out okay.

There is a LOT of information out there, and thanks to the internet, it's right at our fingertips. If someone is interested in finding out the pros and cons of ANY drug, it's easy to do so.

Want to make a difference in the world? Lead by example. Don't boast, don't get a big head because the birth you had was so "right" for you that every woman should do it that way.

If you just have to inform - go on ahead, but stick to educating, (to help) not preaching (to condemn).

I'm taking an oath to follow the Golden Rule; my hope is that others will play along.

A Moment Alone & I Yearn for Her

I got the opportunity to have some alone time tonight.

Packed up the laptop and headed out to write and drink tea. Exiting the house and walking briskly down the sidewalk, I felt a sense of relief. I let out a big sigh of satisfaction for some much needed "me" time.

Enter the tea shop: dim lights, cool music, hippies and poets typing away with steam rising from their cups. The smell different from a cafe.

Picked a version of chamomile with mint and perched. Opened the laptop and waited for it to come to life.

It wasn't long after checking a few emails and Tweeting a few lines that it hit me. I longed for Ella.

'Man!' I said to myself, 'just when I thought I got away, I want to go back home. What on earth is wrong with me?!'

Well, I guess it's a good thing; a sign that I really do love my life. Finishing up my tasks, I got excited all over again - just as I was looking forward to going out just an hour before, I was eagerly anticipating going back in.

Walking through the doorway of my home I heard Ella cry - the cry of longing. She missed me! I scooped up my baby, nuzzled her, hugged and kissed her and fed  her on my lap. Her big eyes stared up as she gulped. If I could have read her mind, I swear she was saying, "I missed you and I love you, mommy," and it melted my heart.

I am blessed and fortunate. My life is rich and I am grateful.

Two Handfuls of Home Birth and a Baby on My Hip

Well, it's official. I'm up to my ears busy. Busy with Ella, cleaning, cooking, laundry, and to top it all off, the business of home birth activism.

Here's a typical day in this mom's life:

• Wake with Ella somewhere between 8-9. Nurse in bed for 10-15 minutes.
• Usually Eric cooks breakfast. :)
• Eat breakfast, share some of it with Ella, savor my first cup of coffee. Nice and slow...
• Breastfeed Ella, usually sitting next to the computer now.
• Set Ella down to play and check email while intermittently stopping to play with her.
• Ella gets fussy, which is the indication that she's ready for her morning nap. Nurse her down.
• Finish checking email, Facebook, Tweet a little bit.
• Ella wakes up after about 45 minutes.
• Nurse.
• Lunch: prepare & cook, eat, clean up.
• Go for a walk with Ella.
• Nurse.
• Play, eat a snack, check on the computer...
• Nurse.
• Dinner: prepare & cook, eat, clean up.
• Play with Ella, let Eric take over playing with Ella and post a birth story (if I'm lucky).
• Nurse.
• I put Ella down anywhere from 9-10:30. She doesn't like to miss out on the action. Nurse her down.
• From approx. 10-12 or later, I work feverishly on writing content, responding to emails, Tweeting, adding birth stories to my site or just socializing.
• And then...I crash.

p.s. there are all the diaper changes in there too, just in case you thought I forgot. How could I?

I'm filled to the brim with living, and I'm loving it. I have met SO many amazing people and read such beautiful stories, all of which tells me I am on the right path. Being aligned with my life's work is a joy that leaves me speechless.

For now, goodnight. Almost 12:30. It's been a long day.

The Inherent Risk of Living

Every day (every moment) is a gift. 

This statement is more true to me now that I am a mother. I am more aware of it's truth and the fragility of life.

Each time I am carrying Ella, whether in my arms or her carrier, and am about to walk down steps, I pause and brace myself against falling. I think it through. Literally. I stop and think about falling down the stairs, imagining the sounds we would make, the hurt it would inflict. In that brief moment while the scene acts out in my mind, I cringe. Blinking the thoughts away, I grab the railing and take one step at a time, slowly and deliberately.

There are so many little risks we take every day, even while participating in the mundane. Those risks can be thrilling in an exciting way, or they scare the living shit out of us - like averted disasters that leave you saying, "thank god she's okay..."

I read a post about home birth today that painted it in a horribly dangerous light that it actually made me stop and think. Do I really want to become the national home birth activist that I know I could be? Am I ready to take on the weight of knowing the risks of childbirth and ultimately standing for this cause with my chest held high and strong? These are heavy questions to ask.

As I "dug deep" into finding the answers to these questions, an interesting analogy crept into my consciousness. I tried posting about it just after the thought but never did it justice. I'll try to do so now.

One of my ideas of the perfect setting to raise my children (at least part of the year - if you know us, you will know we're planning on being mobile...) would be on a ranch on a large amount of property far from any big city; closer to nature and a small corner store. We would have a hen house, dogs, cats, a cow, a goat and two horses, an organic garden, tree swing and a near by river or pond.

I wondered if I would still choose to birth at home if I lived in my dream log cabin out in the middle of Montana or Colorado if there wasn't a hospital within 4 hours.

My answer was yes.

My answer was yes with a touch of hesitation. Should I sacrifice my idea of the ideal lifestyle in order to be 100% "safe" by traveling into town and birthing at a hospital (or birthing center within a hospital)? One of the reasons why I, and other home birth women I've spoken with, felt a level of comfort in knowing a hospital was only a short drive away. Hmm...yup, still yes.

I then thought about it this way - say we have a fireplace or wood burning stove. What if one of our children burns them self? What if one of us chops off a finger cutting firewood? What if a little one falls under the ice of the pond? What would we do then without a hospital in sight?

Well, we'd do whatever is necessary and within our power to do and hope for the best. If that meant driving like hell or a helicopter air-lifting...well that's what we'd do, I guess.

This is my point...every day there are what ifs, and plenty of them. What if I fall down the stairs with Ella in this carrier? What if...

I can't live in fear. It's just not a way to be.

What I will do is pause, think, and move ahead with caution.

Nursing Our Relationship (literally)

Today, on my daughter's 11 month birthday, I've recalled many dear memories of the past year. 11 months is so close to a year it's hard not to reflect. I watched videos, looked thoughtfully over photographs of her first weeks and months...it's still so hard to believe how much I love this little person. She's brought an overwhelming amount of joy and meaning into my life.

As I nurse her, which I do like clockwork every hour and a half or so, we gaze into each other's eyes. We always do this when she's nursing. I love, beyond the word love, the intimate relationship we have while I'm feeding her.

What amazes me is how tranquil she is, and how she lets the entire weight of her body fall into mine - she often lays on top of me with her body hanging off sideways. I hold onto her, feel the soft skin of her legs or back, smell her hair and kiss the top of her head as she happily sips away. I can hear her swallowing large gulps of milk as she stares up at me, blinking her enormous eyes.

I wouldn't give these moments up for the world. I cherish every feeding. I watch and listen for her hunger cues. She's become very good at communicating to me.

I've come to understand breastfeeding in a way I couldn't have fathomed before this experience. It's not just the act of feeding, it's an act of bonding; of affection, play and love. My plan is to let Ella nurse until she's ready to stop. I don't mind one bit.

The Birth Scene | Childbirth, An Ordinary Miracle

I stumbled upon this important article while searching for answers to why a woman's birth experience matters. I have my own reasons for why I believe birth experience matters, but I wanted to gain more insight about the topic through the opinions of others.

Here is a quote from the article:

"Research does show that childbirth experience has an effect on women's self-esteem after birth and can impact her emotional availability to her baby immediately afterwards. Giving birth will tend to be integrative or disintegrative, depending on the support, preparation and acceptance of her feelings before, during and after the birth. Her sense of maintaining psychological wholeness throughout the labor, whatever the method or kind of birth, is key to a positive sense of self.. Giving birth is an experience of great magnitude. It naturally follows that the more intact a woman feels emotionally, the easier it is for her body to adapt to the intensity of the labor, as heightened amounts of fear can give messages in some women for the brain to shut off labor. Self-esteem is a part of health."


View the entire article here at The Birth Scene 


Here is part one of a three part article concerning Why a Woman's Birth Experience Matters